Look out for Pearl Art Supplies on the next season of the Surreal Life. After all, that’s where all the washed-up has-beens go to die, right?

I used to love Pearl. I’ll still go back because their prices are better than Flax, the selection is adequate, and the crack cocaine-fueled freakshow outside makes any trip there amusing. After all, where else could you pick up vast quantities of Liquitex and India ink, all while checking out the crackwhores showing off their ashy A-cups or dropping trou and taking a dump in a doorway? If matters get out of hand, you could easily bash them over the head with a metal easel ($20) or a hefty pre-stretched canvas ($10). You could even fashion a shiv out of a pen ($4) and its sundry tips ($7) if you wanted to draw some tainted blood. Yeah, take that you toothless, aggro, flip-flop-on-one-foot biyatch! ahem

Crackhead-slaying fantasies aside, Pearl has lost its luster. It used to be you could stroll up to the register with a month’s worth of goodies. They’d ask you if you were a student. You’d politely nod “yes” and they’d hook you up with a fat discount.

No more. Apparently, corporate has cracked down, and you need to produce a current student ID and fill out a form! This is a travesty. An egregious violation of at least a decade of cheapskatery. Getting a student discount at Pearl without actually being a student had been a venerable tradition for artists and dabblers everywhere. Now the excitement is gone, and I can blame any reduced artistic output on those bastards in corporate.

See you on VH1, Pearl. You obviously need the money.