Star Cafe Grill, Hammersmith, London

Oh boy, The Star Grill. The Star Grill is everything a greasy spoon should be, and is, in fact, so accurate in its ironic post-modern critique of contemporary café culture and the ambiguous role of the fry-up in the health-conscious but still staunchly traditionalist British way of life that it actually has the greasy spoons.

Or something.

It boasts truly astounding menus: faux-leather–bound folios containing colour photocopies of pages which were clearly lovingly produced by someone in possession of a large pair of scissors; a stack of photographs of dishes which vaguely reflected at least the intention behind the cuisine they have to offer; and a true appreciation of the value of Word Art. There is a page at the front (usually) of the menu which basically lists all of the possible ingredients of a fried breakfast in every combination you can think of, except for the one you want. This means that if you ask for exactly what you would like, disregarding the menu, you have no idea either whether you will get anything resembling what you ordered, or what it will cost. Yay, mystery tour!

So basically—it’s ace for a fried breakfast. I haven’t sampled their other offerings (they do burgers and steaks and fish fingers, and they also do those milk+syrup milkshakes that taste of ash), but I dare say they are all equally artery-clogging, and also equally satisfying.

The staff are friendly and helpful, particularly to ladies, who are almost always offered a lollipop on the way out. It is arguably not as cheap as one would expect, but I recommend just popping in for a cappuccino if you’re on a budget—surprisingly, and in all seriousness, they serve what I consider to be the best coffee in Hammersmith.

This is a classic greasy spoon. A beautiful layout in a series of booths. This place will be re-created at great expense by trendies in aprox 20 years. Food is well cooked if a little greasy (thou that is exactly what it says on the tin). Friendly but discreet staff (I can’t believe I’m writing this about a cafe, but they are!).