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The Artesian Well
693 Wandsworth Road, Battersea, London SW8 3JF
- Clapham Common Tube Station (0.8 km)
- Wandsworth Road Station (0.5 km)
- Clapham High Street Station (0.9 km)
- Contact us:
020 7627 3353
- Opening hours:
Friday 17:00 - 03:00
Saturday 17:00 - 03:00
Sunday - Thursday Closed
68 King William Street, London EC4N 7DZ
London Groove - For our 4 RnB, Funky House and 90's Soul club nights every weekend, Soul Fridays at Gilt and Yager Bar and Soul Saturdays at The Anthologist and Refinery in the City of London. For guestlists and bookings please visit www.londongroove.co.u
16 reviews of The Artesian Well in English
For the size of the establishment I think the £10.00 price tag is a bit much when you consider the other establishments in the area. £5.00 would be more than enough.
I was having an enjoyable time on the second floor with the rest of our group, that was until I went to the loo which is to the immediate left of the second floor doors and had to walk passed the bouncer to get there.
Upon entering the loo I found one of my friend there using the facilities, we exited the loos and I decided to have a quick look upstairs as I had never been to this club before I wanted to see what it was like. I was literally gone perhaps ten seconds and could see that it was completely dead up there, i.e. there was maybe 10 people up there.
Upon trying to get back to the rest of my group the bouncer wouldn't let my friend and I back into the room as firstly he said it was full and then he said that we were never on this floor despite the fact that he clearly saw us go to the loo. He insisted that we go upstairs despite the fact the we told him that we are in a group of twenty for are friends birthday, our friends we maybe ten feet away so you could clearly see we were in a group.
What made this situation more infuriating is that this bouncer whilst stopping us going in was letting women go in, he must have let in a good thirty women in the time we were waiting.
Now if it were just my friend and I we would have gone upstairs because honestly as we all know it isn't worth arguing with bouncers but we couldn't as all of our friends were on the second floor.
One girl, who the bouncer let in, asked him why he was letting all the women in but not us, this turned into an arguement with her, things escalated and he threw her out.
The bouncer then came back and threw my friend and I out, using unreasonable and unnecessary force, he was literally trying to restrain my arms and push me down the stairs, whilst he was doing this I held up my open hands and said aloud so that the other employees and customers could see that I wasn't being at all aggressive and repeatedly said aloud 'this bouncer is using unnecessary force and has no legal right to touch me.'
When we got outside my friend was understandably furious but I told him to cool down and we will do this properly. I asked for an official complaints form. The manager came out and he was very cool and collected and we explained the situation to him. He apologised and had the bouncer sent home.
He actually said to the bouncer 'what are you doing?' to which the bouncer made some cock and bull story up. My friend and I were completely sober so we easily picked the nonsense he was saying apart. I told the manager that all he had to do was watch the video camera footage to see that we were right, though presumable he had seen us live on the monitors.
On his way out the bouncer called the c word and tried to elbow me in the chest, he missed.
The manager let us back in and the new bouncer on the door was absolutely pleasant, as were all the other bouncers.
I'm just so disappointed that what should have been a great night was completely ruined but an unprofessional, sexist, arrogant and aggressive bouncer.
Our entire group have decided to permanently boycott this place. If the owner is reading this and would like to know which bouncer it was please feel free to check the video footage from around 0100 19th August 2012.
Comment 1 comment on this review
chunkylefunga, 19 August 2012:
Top Bar/Club really unique/amazing. Inside its like a fantasy world with lots of different sculptures. I was told that is owned and designed by a very famous sculptor Rudy Weller which designed Helios Horses in Piccadilly also. I had a table booked and had a great time, really amazing staff and brilliant Djs. We just never got bored we could go up three floors with different Dj's/music on each floor so it was a perfect night out. Drinks prices were fab but the only down thing was when we arrived was already long queue so we had to wait for a while to get in. Thanks Artesian and we'll definitely see you soon x x
The Artesian Well. Your perfect evening out if it involves queueing, buying overpriced drinks and experiencing the dubious pleasure of the neanderthal bar manager scraping his knuckles on the ground, pausing only to pluck some fleas from his rear and gobble them down, whilst attempting to lord it over the "lesser people" - i.e. anyone other than him. Unfortunate, considering he's about as articulate as a pregnant slug with an over-abundance of slime (but with far less charm). He'd be better suited to a career as a Nazi camp guard in another age; or is that a camp Nazi guard, judging by his self-important mincing?
We'd reserved the upper area for a private party with a band, and when looking to rearrange some of the furniture, he immediately adopted an aggressive tone, thrust his crotch forward and stomped his feet down, maintaining that "MY furniture is not going to be moved," before explaining confrontationally that his DJ equipment was worth more than the NASA space programme and therefore he didn't anyone plugging into it. A simple, polite "no," with a brief explanation would have done. But, as he launched into his elaborate explanation, I began to realise that his IQ was actually closer to his shoe size than his age, and his management style can be captured in two words: AGGRESSIVE SHOUTING.
He "summoned" us to have a word with him by clapping his hands, as if we were naughty 8 year olds and talked at me for a while; when I explained that I didn't like being spoken to in this manner, he shuddered orgasmically, shouted for his bouncer minions in a high pitch and released a tirade of eloquent abuse, involving - in no particular order - the words, "twt," "cnt," "w**nker" and so on and so forth. An interesting and somewhat unorthodox strategy to adopt with your customers, I must admit. Indeed, it was quite impressive; his mother must have sat him down on her lap in the zoo and carefully taught him how to correctly pronounce those words from an early age, as he was very good at repeating those words ad hominem, but didn't seem to able to intersperse his speech with anything else.
So, in summary, I would rather run myself a hot bath, turn on a live iron and dump said appliance into it before setting foot in the Arse-tesian Well again. I have e-mailed everyone that came to the private party that evening (well over a hundred people), explaining my delightful interactions with the primate managing the place and will be writing to the owners to ask whether it is normal for London Zoo to rent out one of its specimens to run a bar. Surely just supplying all of those bananas must make a chimpanzee-shaped dent in the profits?
Dissapointing. No, actually - downright awful. This is even worse than having your fingernails removed individually whilst being made to watch Glee on repeat. Enter at your peril. Just don't say you weren't warned.
Comment 1 comment on this review
melaniep88, 5 July 2011:
We hired the venue out recently & had a similar experience. The manager (name removed) is shockingly awful at dealing with human beings! I also want to write a letter of complaint to the owners – were you able to find an address for them? Cheers!
I always have a good time when I come here and the crowd are always fun and friendly - i have never been outside for a cigarette without encountering some friendly banter!!!! The music is good, especially on a saturday when there is a much more housey/dancey vibe. Will definitely go again!!
FRIDAY NIGHTS ROCK AT THIS PLACE! RUN BY AN OUTSIDE PROMOTION CALLED L.U.S.H (http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=40096562901)
DOWNSTAIRS: ROCK, 80'S, RNB, COMMERCIAL MUSIC
UPSTAIRS: HOUSE, ELECTRO AND DANCE
FREE BBQ EVERY FRIDAY EVEN IN WINTER, FREE ENTRY BEFORE 10PM & 2-4-1 COCKTAILS.
I am completely amazed i have never reviewed The Artesian Wells in Clapham. We used to come here all the time as it was the only place near the high street open after midnight that wasn’t Inferno’s!
2 big floors in Artesian wells. Downstairs is a lot more chilled out with decent amounts of seating and hip hop music. Upstairs is a fully fledged meat market. High energy house spliced with a bit of cheese and lots of 20 somethings trying to get off with eachother.
Unfortunately i’m almost certain Artesian Wells has lost a huge amount of business to Lost Society which has opened next door. Lost Society IS a better club, so now “the wells” gets all of the fallout from here.
I’ll go back, but only if i can’t get in next door.
Comment 1 comment on this review
jani11, 24 November 2010:
I've been next door to Artesian and you can't compare the two places. Artesian is a much bigger and better place and has down to earth people than in Lost society. I love the music,décor of Artesian its unique and three floors with different music on each floor. Always had a great time in there
This bar goes out of its way to cater for those who should be old enough to know better, but are clinging on to the illusion of their youth, or looking to pick up some along the way. It’s position suggests that most of the clientèle are those who couldn’t be bothered to queue for Lost Society next door.
The bouncers are strict, the venue is hugely over-packed, and if you’re looking for decent music, look elsewhere. The succession of bland remixes of nineties commercial hits blend into each other without much notice and show the “Hey, I know this song! They used to play this when I was younger!” market that the place is aimed at.
The décor is tacky, with badly painted murals blending with plastic monstrosities that harks more to a fairground haunted house than the Greek indulgence it strives for.
The atmosphere is not particularly friendly, with most people there with a one track pull motive and with more than enough Dutch courage to believe they’re irresistible.
Though maybe what I’ve written appeals to some, no doubt it does as the place gets very busy, but these part way bar / clubs do nothing but leave a bad taste with me.
Can get busy on a Saturday. You can pay £5 to get into the main bar or an extra £2 (£7) to get into the club upstairs. Not as expensive as the whitehouse and not as cheesey as Infernos. Has a good drunken crowd who all want to dance. It never really gets that hot as they keep the front doors open. The girls toilets are pretty gross and tiny.
If you’re looking for a sweat fest on a Friday night in the Battersea area, then look no further. Cramming us in until we’re floating on air, the artesian well is a long-established haunt of the recently-left-university-and-now-living-in-Clapham crowd, eager to drink, flirt, and pretend we’ve got more money than we do. Which is ok at this venue, because it don’t cost a bomb.
Two levels to party on, with a balcony upstairs to leer at those downstairs, it must be said that it is a million miles from infernos in class, and a much better night out.
The style is really original, the bar downstairs is dark and confy. If you look at the roof you can see the dancefloor on the 1st floor, it is wicked to see everyone `s feet moving.
The dancefloor is great but small, good crowd and drinks prices are reasonable.
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