Infernos, Clapham, London

Everytime I have been to this place I have had an awesome night! Yes it's cheesy, it stinks, you get stuck to the floor etc but its hilarious. I can totally relate to some of the bad reviews here as some are definatley true... however it makes for a far more entertaining night! Everyone is just trollied and having a brilliant time.
From a girl's point of view the ratio mentioned below isnt exactly a massive issue... some may even argue its a selling point for the place!

Avoid avoid avoid. This is not a good place to go. With a ratio of 20men to very 1/2women - this is most definitely not the place to go with your friends. Avoid avoid avoid. Sticky floors and not that great music. You are not missing anything.

Literally the worst place I have ever been in my life, ever, and I've been to Afghanistan. Twice. Infernos turns everyone that enters into proppa yoof. Big Dave likes to listen out for posh white kids talking like they've been smacked in the gooch e.g. "ohhhhh my dayyyys blud, Tarquin is calling me".

Big Dave has devised a game to make the experience more enjoyable. Each item below is worth 1 point. My record is 16. Try and beat me.

Things you are likely to see:

1. Sick on the floor, somewhere, at some point
2. Fat bird not wearing enough
3. A fight
4. Group of Yoof
5. Someone falling over (if on the stairs, extra 1 point)
6. African chap in the toilet
7. A man so old he should probably be dead
8. A woman so old she should probably be dead
9. Munters kissing
10. Fat girl crying

Good luck.

Infernos is just the pitts. We all know it, it's been said before.

I just want to place on record a brilliant story that my friend told me: He'd been out boozing with the footy lads, and begrudingly ended up, trolleyed, bopping on the dancefloor. The DJ cut into the song to yell "Ladies... there are some bad men in here tonight!".. really. Does a place get any classier than that? I think not.

Possibly the worst club I have ever been to. Ever. I had to get hideously drunk just to survive the night, and I wasn't the only one, judging by the state of eveyone around me.

Also, something the smokers among us will want to know... After paying £10 to get in there is nowhere to go for a ciggie, and with no re entry. So any fag break you do take will be the most expensive of your life!

The sad thing is the space is great, and the carpets and tropical fish tanks would make for a lovely ironic regional feel, there's just way too much wrong with it that instead of ironically laughing at the kinda clubs you used to go to back in your home town. You are reminded why you got out!

If a cheesy club, with a bit of flirting is what you're after I say jump on the tube and head to the Bedford Arms in Balham.

Hi my name is Duncan and I love Inferno's, if i could only do one thing for the rest of my life it would be to go there, constantly. Me and my pals James and Sam went there and we all pulled the same girl! it was incredible! We all then ate nuggets and went home. The best nights of my life have been spent in inferno's. 10 outta 10!

Eeeeeeuuuuw. Hate it hate it hate it hate it….

It’s cheesy, smelly and HUGELY expensive for a drink.

Please do not ever go there.

I haven’t been inside but judging from the pools of vomit on the street as you walk past shows the clientel.

This is prob Claphams cheesiest club… everyone has to have one though!
I like most music and this is great fun and really easy to dance to.
Probably one of the most popular clubs in the area.
I didn’t encouter any trouble the nights I was there.

Everyone needs a cheesy, dingy club for a group night out. People who enjoy Infernos are usually drunk before entering or guys. The music is commercial pop and cheese with the odd killers track thrown in. The two floors play the same music so it would better if they had different styles on each floor. There are lots of bars so getting served isn’t a problem and the prices are ok. I like the fish tanks and the seating area. The place is pretty big and I always lose my friends here. After the smoking ban the smell has become unbearable.

Infernos does what it says on the tin. Remember the cheap, cheesy clubs as a student where your feet stick to the carpet and certain quality of lady tend to hang out.

Remove the ‘cheap’ & ‘quality’ and you’ll know what to expect from Infernos. If you’ve had a busy day on the nectar then this is the place to end your night. It’s a large club across a few floors with a number of bars and podiums to display your wares. An easy place to lose your/the party of mates your attached to. Don’t forget to turn left out of Infernos to visit the late night McDonalds.

There’s only two reasons why you’d pay a tenner to get into this infamous but awful club. Either to carry on drinking or to pull. Both bad reasons! You usually have to be pretty drunk to think it’s a good idea to go to this cheesey place. Full of young, posh twenty somethings looking for a snog or a fight it has all the things you would expect from a club like this: over priced drinks, cheesey music, sticky floors and a pungent sick smell! You’d be better off in Maccy D’s next door!

Infernos has good cheesey music to dance to and decent size dance floors. As already mentioned it costs £10 to get in which seems really expensive but I suppose it is London! Although the club is open until 3am you cannot go out to smoke after 12.30 and even then there is a queue as they seem to only let so many out at a time so the entrance gets very crowded at around 12. The drinks are very expensive and they have no promotions but again this is London! The club is only open at weekends. Although expensive it is a good club to have a dance in a nd generally let your hair down! Not a place I would go often as I would be left bankrupt!

Ha ha ha ha Ahunter nail- on -head. The fact that you can only drink bottles of beer in there, and these cost more than my rent (ok i live in a hovel) is bad enough. Plus the fact that the small army of bouncers lurking menacingly in the doorway extricate an obligatory £10 entrance fee, and enforce a laughable “no trainer policy” reminds me of cheap and grimey uni nights out in undesirable northern towns.
When you do eventually part with your cash and the ogres retreat back into the shadows, you strive for a better world within. But when your shoes start squelching and sticking to the carpet, and start to become layered in thick black goo you know you should have walked on past the tantalising high street lights. Dont go, youll only wish you hadnt.

I had to add my review to this, although A hunter’s said it all, it still seems to be ranked a no.4 out of 7 clubs in Clapham.
Infernos is reliably bad. The fact that you have to pay to get in is just incredible, frankly if they made people pay to get back out they’d be on a winner.
Meat market central. Apart from this is past it’s sell by date. Crap drinks. There are better places for cheese, there really are.
As Zammo would say…just say no!

Really cheezy. Really bad. Ahunter say’s it all in his review. Avoid it and go to Artesian Wells just around the corners.

The fish tanks add a certain funk to the place, but the decor is a bit dated and the drinks are expensive! If you’re out as a group then it is a good place to let go and go a bit wild. It is conveniently located to a lot of good bars too.

I think you either love or hate Infernos. Yes, its pure cheese but its always reliably the same whenever you go there - rugby teams, drunken girls, cheesy music, like a student union 5 years on. Anyway, if you're with a group of friends and very drunk it can be good fun very occasionally. Be careful of your belongings though, phone thieves operate on the premises.

I'd rather be elbow dropped in the face by macho man randy savage than spend one more waking minute in Infernos. This is probably one of the worst clubs in the world.

I can see its allure if you are a bright eyed, bushy tailed teenager - disco lights, cheezy music, cheap booze etc. But don't be fooled my friends, Inferno's is a god forsaken place. Angry door men, rubbish music, sweaty gangs of lads and bitchy hen parties is only the tip of the iceberg. I have never had a good night here and nor will you unless you are on prozac.

Ironically, the worst thing about Inferno's is that you can't smoke in the club anymore. Ordinarily that would be a good thing, but now that the smoking ban has been introduced, 20 years of pungent nasal goblins have come out to play. If i could sum up the odour, i would say it's a combination of sweat, vomit, cheap perfume and pee - pretty much the worse smell imaginable.

Avoid this place at all costs. Get yourself a bag of pretzels, a four pack of boddingtons and go home and watch match of the day. Seriously, you'll have a much better night.