””This is your finest camembert…by this I will explain - a very expensive load of cheese. It’s one of those venues where you simply have to get ratted. The atmosphere is similar to that of Hereford cattle market on a Wednesday, except for the fact that if the farmers were that drunk they wouldn’t end up selling the cows, but…well, I’ll leave that to your imaginations. The stage entertainment, and I use the word loosely, consists of an ageing 70s DJ type guy called Dr Felch or something as ridiculous and a band of scantily clad young ladies - the latter are the best looking thing in there. Oh, and don’t fall over unless you have glass proof skin or are wearing chainmail. A skinful is the only answer folks…you have been warned!”“

The Grand is one of a trio of cheesy nightspots in Clapham (Wessex house and Infernos being the other two). It’s set in an old theatre so the layout is a bit all over the place. It’s your typical cheesy disco I suppose but with a rather strange act thrown in. Periodically though the evening PVC clad dancers take to the stage. They’re very good actually but I’m not really sure what the point of them is (well from a female perspective anyway). I’d much rather just have a lower entrance fee (its £10 to get in). Still all good fun I suppose if you’re with a group of friends and fancy a spot of cheesy dancing!