The Royal Albert Pub

this place is closed

How to totally ruin a pub in 5 easy steps:

1 - paint everything grey. Outside walls, inside walls, doors, the regulars…everything. The idea is to make your pub look modern and trendy but all it really does is make it look dreary and naff.

2 - get rid of all the seats and replace them with big leather sofas. Everyone loves sofas right?! They have them at home so why wouldn’t they want them in a pub? They’re just really comfy and lovely aren’t they? Well yes they are but you don’t want comfy and lovely in a pub, you want a seat you can sit on which is next to a table you can put your drink on and has your mates sat around it where you can see and talk to them. Sofas are great for lying on and watching telly and bad for drinking and chatting to people - guess which one I prefer to do in a pub.

3 - change the food. Crisps and nuts are for losers right? What you want to do is charge people a lot of money for food that looks like it belongs in a restaurant but tastes like it was made by someone who works in a pub. The punters won’t notice because they are all just beer swilling fools!

4 - annoy the regulars. They’ve been drinking here for years, they love it, they like things the way they are and tell everyone they know what a great pub it is, so why would you want to keep them happy? Don’t talk to them, don’t ask their opinions and get rid of everything they love. If they argue paint them gray and tell them to go to another pub.

5 - If you have a nice, larger outdoor space at the back…sell it! Who wants to sit outside when there’s a lovely, grey inside to sit in with rubbish music and an intrusive television and sub-par, overpriced food. Sell it and go on holiday and when you came back to an empty pub you can sit round and declare how the people round here “just don’t know a good thing when they see it”.

Update

The Royal Albert has just changed hands and it’s bad news all round i’m afraid. The new management offered a “free roast” if you buy a pint. Briliant at first glance but what we were given was pathetic. A stem of broccoli, half a roast potato and a tiny sliver of beef. Why not just go all out and serve a proper roast!

Staff seemed disinterested and they had also completely run out of crisps and nuts.

Such a shame. I won’t be going back.

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One of Stockwell’s/Oval’s best kept secrets. If you thought the Fentiman was the best neighborhood bar in this area, think again. The Royal Albert is nestled among some of Stockwell’s most beautiful Georgian houses and attract a friendly crowd of mixed ages. Real Ale on tap, excellent food and a great venue for live sport (particularly if you want a seat!).

Come here on Sunday’s. It’s worth the trek, even if you live north of the river.

Yum food, a nice chilled place to go for sunday lunch - they have all the roasts with all the trimmings for a mere £6.95. And they have a good selection of games. All in all, a great local.